Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.