Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

idk flipping houses looks really hard

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.