Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

I didn’t realize that was an option

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog