Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.