me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Ha.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
men are simple creatures
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.