me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?