Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

😆this is so true

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.