Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you