Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??
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Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella
CDC: No don’t do that. Stand six feet away.
Rihanna: Under my umbrella
CDC: Correct. Don’t stand there.
Rihanna: Ella ella eh eh eh
CDC: Ok wtf is even happening rn
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.