ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad