ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.