ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.