Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

Better luck next time champ

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”