me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re