Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”