Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad