me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
respect
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
We’ve all been there
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
im all 3
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.