Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become ungovernable.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy