Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

guys I’m going home

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.