Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work