ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“Why you watching this shit?”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”