Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.