Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Holy shit he’s back

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Me driving through Toronto

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*