Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her