Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.