Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
when there are deer in the woods
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call