Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me