ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
oh u like geography? name every lake
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
God tier horse name today on the sims
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE