Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

ㅤ

Something Saturday.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?