ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me too, bag. Me too….
#Caturday
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane