Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.