ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE