ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess