me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
You Might Also Like
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.