Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

No one :

Me when I swimming :

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Pringles

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

journal

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.