Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up