@mrjohndarby

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

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@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

@NicestHippo

[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs

@BoomBoomBetty

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.