My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!