me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa