Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.