Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
So true for me
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?