Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.