Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Rather alarming headline…

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

[canadians at you, canadianly]

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now