Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???