Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Something Saturday.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.