Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Bring back the McRib

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework