Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You know…for fall…
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?