Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.