Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

When news reporters do sports stories

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.