Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
This was my dad’s browser history.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.