Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”