Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Put this video in the Louvre
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*