Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
🤯🤯🤯
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi