Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The chart results are in…
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
🤣🤣🤣
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
when there are deer in the woods
this got me crying😭😭
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant