Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you