Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Well, that should do it
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I have a black belt in leather
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.