Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
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[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.