Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

how to have fun when you’re poor

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.