me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Animal poetry
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Intelligence is the new cleavage