Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
You Might Also Like
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*