Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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see next tweet for some translations
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*