Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
when someone compliments me
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.