Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
