Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.