Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The little toadstool has spoken.
Can Happiness buy money?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
This rocks
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.