Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]