Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.