ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Come back with a warrant
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
