Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

those birds must be on payroll

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.