Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two