Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

😂

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins