Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

fr

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

For the orator and chef in all of us

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Left at a local drug store…

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.