Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes