ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls