ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.