Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”