Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

You don’t even know

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]